Update On US

i have thought all day that i needed to blog...i haven't updated anything about our adoption since last spring (maybe april?). anyway, over the past 4 months we have had a few calls about other potential birth mothers and babies but no situations that survived more than a few days. and unfortunately we've had lots of drama with our agency. it has been less than ideal, to put it mildly. about a month ago we heard about yet another birth mother. she was sent our profile, then we talked to her on the phone and sent emails back and forth. she chose us to be the parents of her baby boy! we were so excited. just last tuesday we flew to pennsylvania. our birth mother was being induced wednesday morning! we finally got to meet her in person. we met her mother and father, her cousin, sister, and daughter. we loved them! they are truly good people and are such a loving family. they were so supportive of our birth mom and her decision. they gave us gifts for the baby and talked to us about being his parents. all seemed to be going so well. this poor woman was induced and then was in labor for 36 hours before her doctor finally delivered the baby by c-section. because of a fever the mother had during delivery, the baby was placed in the NICU to make sure he wasn't sick also. we spent 5 days with this mother and her family. we spent 3 days in the hospital with that adorable baby boy. mom and baby were able to be discharged from the hospital on sunday. our attorney would meet all of us at the hospital before to sign papers. our birth mom talked to the attorney that morning and said all was still good and that she knew she was making the right choice for her baby. about an hour before we were meeting to sign the papers sean and i were in her room letting quincy take a nap. the mother was up in the NICU with her baby. i got a call on my phone from the attorney. she said, "stacy, i have some bad news..." she was emotional and said "...has decided she isn't going to sign the papers. she isn't going to go through with it..." she went on to say that this mother's sister and mother were there trying to help her remember why she had made her plans for adoption in the first place. they were telling her to think seriously about her financial situation and also how and if she would be able to take care of him. her reason to the attorney was that she "just couldn't separate her head from her heart." i couldn't believe it. we always knew this was a possible outcome, but it never once seemed like it wasn't going to work out with this mom and baby. she seemed so certain and she had so much support. it just proves how much strength it takes for these mothers to actually go through with what they know is the right choice, even though it is most certainly the hardest thing in the world. a few minutes later she and her family came into the room to talk to us. there were lots of tears and hugs. she felt awful. she said if she had made the decision sooner, she would have told us. i assured her we weren't mad at her. they tried to give back the necklaces i gave to them, but i told them to keep them as a reminder of how lucky they are to have that little baby in their lives. when we were leaving the grandmother told sean, "i wish you could be the parents." it was a heartbreaking experience...for us and them. we said good bye and left the hospital. we couldn't get a flight home until last night. we were exhausted, sad, and just stuck there. yesterday was the worst day, just waiting to come home. it was a LONG week. it's been a LONG 7 months since we started this process to adopt our second child. so many ups and downs. never knowing when, or how much, not really knowing anything for certain at all. it's been really hard. and this felt like the final straw. we are done for a while. i hate sounding like we are giving up, but i just feel defeated. we have lost trust in our agency, it's been a long time, i'm tired, we have lost a lot of money, it's emotionally draining, it's hard to have no control in something as important as adding to your family. so, we are home. we got home late last night. today i unpacked. then packed up all the baby boy stuff and put it in storage. for my happiness, i NEED to move on right now. i need to not think about adoption everyday. we are disappointed and upset, but we are okay. really, we are. like i said, we're moving forward. this is a lot more than i had planned on writing! so to try to save this post from being the most depressing post i've ever written, here is a video of quincy. :) POOR quincy had the worst time in pennsylvania! being in an airport, airplane, hotel, and hospital for a week is hard on an almost 18 month old! yesterday to kill time before our flight we went to the mall. here is Q in forever 21...involving 2 of her favorite things, hats and dancing!! i love how she had to trade sean hats. :) we love this little girl so much and are more grateful for her than ever! she cracks us up!